it wasn't lemon gatorade
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
