Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just found puke in my bra..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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