hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
