So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sext me about skeletons
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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