you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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