Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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