now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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