I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
