is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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