Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
