last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
