new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
All the doctor said was why
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
