How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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