You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize