Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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