I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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