So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize