Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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