rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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