dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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