I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
