I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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