girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
