she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
