I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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