i already hear my dad disowning me
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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