Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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