I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
