Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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