i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
