I cockslap morals
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
