Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
