You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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