I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He keeps bees of course he's weird
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
