You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
