i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
