I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
