I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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