Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
