I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
