So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dick very happy bro
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
