You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
