i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
