Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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