ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
