I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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