if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
