I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
