I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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