And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
